I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
