My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
