just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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