Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
