I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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