probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
