Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
i think my cat just said my name.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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