He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
