walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
