...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
