He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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