Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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