Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
