for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
