there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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