onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
