Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
