her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i will never coherently bang her
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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