it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
