I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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