I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
