you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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