wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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