Non-Jews are for practice
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
