lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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