you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
