I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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