i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
