Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
