i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You pole danced in your parka.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
