thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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