i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
