Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
