I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize