I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
i think i just lost a toe
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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