..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
