im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
