my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
