are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
