He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
50% drunk capacity currently
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
