We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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