I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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