the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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