don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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