How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
