So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You've changed since you got that strap on
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize