put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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