so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
The uberlube is also flammable
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
