i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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