why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
