i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
