On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
