just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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