have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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