bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
