I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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