Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
