i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
